To be a compassionate leader, begin with yourself.
Why? Because the way you respond to yourself leaks out into the way that you treat others.
If you’re judging yourself harshly, you are likely judgemental of others. If your inner critic is in the driving seat, then you’re likely to be critical of others’ failings too. If you can’t accept your own imperfections, you’ll struggle to support others with theirs.
When we’re talking about Compassionate Leadership, it’s easy to leap-frog this first step of self-compassion, and dive straight into Leadership, but in my experience that’s a mistake.
When I first came across self-compassion, I didn’t react well! I was a busy doctor, Mum of two young children, with an academic husband who is often abroad, and my first reaction was “Not ANOTHER thing to add to my to-do list!”. I was exhausted and heading towards burnout, and I wasn’t convinced this was going to help me. In my mind I categorized self-compassion as another fluffy optional activity that I “should” do, but frankly didn’t have time for. It was filed away next to massage, yoga, deep breathing, and holidays, which all seemed nice in theory but when you’re at the front line of the NHS or politics, seem like a drop in the ocean. Why would I spend time on self-compassion when I was struggling to deal with unbelievable workload pressures, suffering, death and failing systems, and also trying to be a Mum to my small children?
This was just my first response! What I also noticed was that underneath my initial resistance was a strong visceral reaction to the idea of self-compassion. I had absorbed societal messages that suggest that self-compassion is weak, self-absorbed and takes away from other people. As a doctor who highly valued compassion, it wasn’t part of my identity to focus compassion on myself. I was all about serving other people.
Take a moment to notice your own beliefs about Self-Compassion.
That it takes too much time? That you’d feel selfish? That you’d worry about what your colleagues or family would say?
All of this rolled through my mind, and yet there was something that drew me to find out more. I couldn’t help wondering whether being a bit more supportive of myself would be a good idea! Even though self-compassion felt unattainable, I recognised that my current habit of self-flagellating to achieve my high standards was exhausting and demoralising. I clung to my inner critic tightly because she had helped me to achieve so much, and guided me to my high standards (and frankly I was scared that if I dropped the inner critic I wouldn’t get out of bed!), but I did wonder whether there was a better way?
From supporting hundreds of people in leadership roles since 2017 I now know that my reaction to self-compassion is almost universal. We resist it. We believe it to be selfish and time-consuming.
But we’re wrong.
Self-compassion is a private mindset. You don’t need to advertise it. It’s a way of thinking about yourself, and a decision to support yourself through difficulty just because you’re alive and as worthy as the next person. I call it a subversive art which helped me to dive deeper into the subject without anyone knowing, and it became my internal push-back against a system that was abusing me. So, the fear that others will judge you is completely unfounded. They may notice that you seem happier, but they may not know why!
Self-compassion doesn’t mean you stop caring about other people – it actually enhances your compassion for others. When you soften towards your own difficulties, and find ways to support yourself through difficulty (rather than avoiding struggle or covering up your imperfections) you naturally become more open to the idea that we all struggle, we’re all doing our best and we all have something to learn. Your inner resources begin to inform your leadership style.
The best self-compassion techniques take no time at all, and become part of the fabric of your day. Learning to take a supportive breath before stepping forward into tough situations helps you to calm your nervous system so that you’re more creative and less reactive, but it takes no extra time. Managing transitions – between meetings, between work and home, between situations – is a high-performance habit that allows you to be more present, and might be as simple as taking one moment to connect with your intentions, or to self-soothe. You can use your time in the shower or when making a hot drink to bring yourself back to awareness and to attend to your emotional state. Self-compassion doesn’t mean wrapping yourself in cotton-wool! It’s about cultivating a tool-box of strategies that support your physiology and your thinking, so that you can support yourself through difficulty.
When I stopped thinking about self-compassion as selfish, and noticed that it was helping me to be kinder and more present, braver and more willing to try new things (and fail and recover), clearer on my boundaries and more motivated, it became easier to see why this is the root of great leadership.
If you’ve skipped over understanding the essence of self-compassion as the beating heart of courageous, compassionate leadership, I urge you to get curious and learn more.
Nicola Harker is a doctor who worked for 20 years as a GP in the NHS in England, UK. She’s now working as a leadership coach. Find out more here.